Smart Outside Bones

Because I’m a great husband, I drove Brittany to the dentist this afternoon for what was supposed to be two simple wisdom tooth extractions which I, having more than a lot of experience with dental procedures myself, anticipated would take about half an hour, but ended up taking more like an hour and a half because there were complications with one of them and now she’s basically barely alive and miserable. So that’s nice.

After the dentist, I took her over to CVS to get her prescriptions filled, but they were somehow out of one of them, so we had to go to another pharmacy and wait an hour for them to count out a couple dozen pills on I what I can only assume was the world’s slowest pharmacological abacus or something, but we eventually got everything she needed and made it home.

Then, while taking her pills with a Boost at the kitchen sink because she hadn’t eaten all day and needed something in her system, the liquid slid into one of the extraction sites and she almost died but managed to stay on this side of the river Styx by way of shouting at the devil or, more accurately, cry-yelling at the ferryman until he decided she was too much trouble and backed off.

She finally made it into the bed where she still hasn’t fallen asleep, but being a good parental figure, I made homemade chicken strips for dinner because hey, Trey and I didn’t experience any invasive dental trauma today and we were hungry, too. This proved nice for us but because I’m an awful husband, turned out to be a new form of torture for the poor woman starving in the bedroom as the scent of it all flowed down the hall and mocked her inability to chew.

This all started at 3:00pm and ended about an hour ago when Trey discovered a YouTube video of, like, fourteen deleted Hamilton songs they started watching together as I left the room to finish up work for the day.

Everything is done now though, and I just split the last chicken strip between our two dogs who have both developed emotional doggie whiplash by rapidly alternating between extreme concern for my wife’s well-being and the overwhelming urge to eat all the everything I cooked.

The house is finally calm again. Trey is talking with his friends over Discord in his room and one of the dogs is curled up on his bed while the other is curled up at my feet as I type this up and prepare to go play a video game for the next, oh, twenty eight minutes or so until I hear a slight whimper coming from the back of the house building into a one-woman chorus of ultimate suffering as her painkillers wear off in, oh, I’d say about twenty seven minutes now.

Twenty six.
Twenty five.
Twenty four…

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
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The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.