I’ve Got A Golden Ticket!

Once upon a time, a legendary candyman held a contest in which five lucky children won a tour of his mythical chocolate factory. That man was Mr. Wonka, and this is the story you were never told…

The moment Wonka launched his famous contest, rival candy maker Slugworth Cruz immediately began trying to steal Wonka’s secrets for himself. He prowled the streets at night, looking for the first winner by approaching random children in the darkness to ask them about golden tickets and candy. It was kinda weird.

“Hey. Got any candy?”

The first winner was a large, angry young man who was driven by an all-consuming passion to consume anything could. Augustus Christie was his name, but he never made it to the factory. Tragically, he insulted Wonka’s union workers in his acceptance speech, who then tricked him into mistaking the brown water of one of New Jersey’s rivers for chocolate. Augustus Christie dove in, head first, and was never seen again.

“Trumpa Lumpa, Doopa Dee Doo…”

The next winner was also the youngest. His name was Rubio Teevee, and Slugworth Cruz found him before he ever left for the factory. No one knows what Cruz whispered into Rubio’s young ears while the pair sat on his mother’s couch in the family room, but from that moment on, all Rubio Teevee could do was repeat the same three or four sentences over and over.

“Wonka knows EXACTLY what he’s doing.”

Ben Carson would’ve won a ticket, but he fell asleep before he finished opening his Wonka Bar, then stashed it away in a pyramid for later after he woke up. Violet Fiorina also would’ve won a ticket, but she laid off the entire staff she’d hired to unwrap candy bars just before the winning one was found.

The next lucky winner was Veruca Clinton, who felt winning the contest was her birthright because she felt that winning everything was her birthright. Spoiled, loud and obnoxious, she was last seen demanding Wonka give her a goose to lay gold eggs for Easter. Wonka just smiled and tossed her down a garbage shoot.

“Bad egg,” he said.

“It’s mine. Whatever it is, it’s mine. Gimme!”

The last young man to win a ticket was approximately 800 years old, which was getting on for a 12 year old boy, but the years had not been kind. Born into poverty, Bernie Bucket was convinced he would win a ticket, because he wanted it more than anyone. Positive that he could use the contest to infiltrate the inner sanctum of the 1% and expose Wonka for the elitist fraud that he was, Bernie fished around in raw sewage for a coin some rich guy dropped, then miraculously bought the last winning Wonka Bar in existence.

“Let them eat chocolate.”

But then he redistributed Fizzy Lifting Drinks to the 99% and bumped into the ceiling which then had to be washed and sterilized, so he got nothing.

None of the children won the real prize that day, which would’ve seen one of them inheriting Obama Wonka’s factory after he retired. However, Wonka was now more convinced than ever that no other living human would ever be qualified for the job, so he just smiled to himself, breathed deeply, and decided to stay. Forever.

“I said good day, sir!”

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
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Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
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The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
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This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
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What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.