Posted on February 25, 2010
Banned!
I have been banned from eBay. Not formally or anything, but Brittany has made it clear that I am to never again click on the shiny ‘Place Bid’ button that beckons me with its siren’s song from across the glittering wires of the Interwebs. Apparently, or so my lovely wife claims, my insatiable desire to win at all things great and small would eventually lead to our eventual and inevitable financial ruin, should I ever be allowed to participate in another online auction ever again. I’m sure I don’t know what she’s talking about, however, because to my way of thinking, a little healthy competition is good for the soul. Take, for instance, my first (and last) experience with an online auction that took place a couple of weeks ago:
higher bid. Now, it is at this time that a seasoned eBay user (or anyone with common sense) would tell you that I should have just left the bidding process alone until the auction was almost over, in order to avoid over-inflating the price prematurely. I was aware of this and planned on doing exactly that when I submitted my first bid, but when I logged into the site later to find someone else’s bid trumping mine, it proved too much for my soft ego to bear, and I struck back with a retaliating bid of a few cents more. Then, they bid higher. Then, I bid higher. They went higher still, and I kept pace right along with them, adding a few more pennies with each passing click. Eventually, by the time the auction was down to its last few seconds, I was glaring at my monitor with a furious intensity that left me wild-eyed and maniacal as I kept my cursor hovering over the refresh button, clicking it again and again with the same incessant rabidity of a coked up lab rat hitting his ‘reward’ lever fifty thousand times a minute for a pellet of crack. At last, after everything was all said and done and I’d finally won my prize, I threw my head back and exploded into an unrestrained fit of cacophonous laughter that would put any mad scientist to shame. Victory was mine! MUAHAHAHA!
dentist friend lost his drill bit deep within a wall, he proceeded to fish it out with pliers and the drill itself, in much the same way as I imagine he’s prised loose the stubborn teeth of many of his patients. Watching him dig deep into the freshly-drilled cavity to wrest the stubborn drill bit from the dark recesses of the gypsum drywall made me wince with every squeak and scrape of his rusty pliers, and I began to seriously question my next appointment with the man. Seriously, it was like watching Steve Martin freak out on Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors, only the wall wasn’t enjoying it, thank goodness. Eventually, we managed to get one of the four cables pulled through the wall and I successfully crimped on a couple of ends. We still have three left, but I’m not sure if he’ll want my help again. After all, I left an awful lot of holes in his office…
Want some books? 'Course ya do!
NOTE: I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.
I'll take care of it.
Humor | Nonfiction
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Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?
Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?
If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.
You're welcome.
Short Stories
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The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.
Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.
Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.
Always get back up.
Gaming | Nonfiction
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This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.
The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.
Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.
If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.
I'll try to not be boring.
Horror
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What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.
What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.
You've been warned.
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