I Say Tomato, You Say 蕃茄!

I was thinking about Christmas again today, and about just how little your average person knows about the holiday and the origins of its various traditions. I was going to prepare a lengthy examination of the collective stupidity of the herd mentality that blindly follows tradition without asking “Why?” but, instead, I thought I’d start things off a bit lighter and work my way to the good bits in later entries.

With this in mind, I thought about the whole translation issue as it pertains to the Bible. There are people out there who truly believe that the Bible just sort of materialized one day, fully printed, bound, and stamped by The Gideons. It is the Word of God, after all.

Sadly, a frighteningly large percentage of Christians (especially Evangelicals) don’t bother asking a single damned question about anything. Sure, this general lack of an inquisitive nature may explain away the popularity of Wal-Mart and the general lack of tooth retention in citizens of the Bible Belt, but it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

After all, if left to their own devices, these people will continue to feed the coffers of a corporation that is slowly sucking the lifeblood out of commerce and ingenuity and reproduce at an astonishing rate, considering the fact that they seem to believe that using toothpaste is how the Devil gets inside you.

“If God did wanted mens to control their’s tarter buildup, we’d have been borned with floorhide in our spit!” – Brought to you by The Church Of Tarter-Day Saints

Even more disturbing is the idea that, if left completely unchecked, the swelling numbers of these jellyheads may very well eventually produce a politically active constituency that could potentially vote one of their snake dancing morons into the White House one day. (Oh, wait…)Let it not be said that I don’t do my part for humanity. To this end, I want to briefly discuss the simple fact that what the star quarterback of Bobby Lee Grant High School is being taught to believe might not actually be what he thinks it is. I will attempt to illustrate this by referencing the simple children’s game of Gossip.

You remember Gossip, don’t you? It’s the elementary school game where one kid would whisper something into another kid’s ear, then that kid would whisper the same thing to the next kid, and so on until it reached the poor guy at the end of the line and what started out as “Billy stole your lunch money Tuesday” had turned into “Billy stole your muff money, Tiffany!” Then the whole class would have a good laugh, and the teacher would get blush and suddenly start frantically searching around in her handbag? Of course you remember!

Sadly, many teachers have taken to moonlighting to support ever-increasing chalk and crayon prices.

The Bible suffers a fate similar to Gossip, I’m afraid. Let’s face it, the expression lost in translation exists for a reason. A quick trip down the long and sordid history of Biblical translation takes us through a minimum of three languages before it ever hits English.

The book started off in Hebrew and Aramaic then, after a coyote cut a hole in the Freedom Fence to dodge the Minute Men patrols, he smuggled some guy named Jesus into Israel from the West Bank and then everybody went crazy! Eventually, his posse started writing up a whole new section of the book in Greek and then Mafia got involved and, after murdering Jesus, eventually one rebel Don named Constantine decided to take the whole thing, rewrite it in Latin, and use it to unify all of the New York families under his rule.

History is hard!

So anyway, the Bible went from Hebrew and Aramaic to Greek, then on to the Latin that was eventually translated to English in what we know today as the King James Bible. As anyone who’s ever attempted to put together a Swedish entertainment center or read a technical manual translated from Chinapanese will tell you, translation is a bitch!

Do I really have to caption this?

I’ll revisit this theme a few times throughout the month, and I promise I’ll have really real examples to share that will, hopefully, convey just how goofball of an idea it is to believe that what you’re reading in Sunday School is the literal Word of God. For now, let me just leave you with a quick jaunt down the Translation Highway.

Mel Gibson starts off this round of Gossip playing the role of William Wallace in 1995’s Braveheart.

“Every man dies. Not every man really lives.”
When that is translated to Italian, we get:
“Ogni uomo muore. Vite di non ogni uomo realmente.”
(“Every man dies. Screw not every man really.)
Once that is translated to French, we get:
“Chaque homme meurt. Vies pas chaque homme réellement.”
(“Each man dies. Lives not each man really.”
From French to Dutch:
“Elke man meurt. Vies niet elke man werkelijk.”
(“Each man kips. Dirtily not each man real.”)

Never tell Mel that Liam Neeson did a better job playing a Scot. He’ll get medieval on your ass!

So, as you can see, translation changes things a bit. What started out as a nice, inspiration phrase from a crazy, wild-eyed Aussie playing a Scot turned into a commandment against homosexuality in Italian, which then reverted back to its original meaning in French (although only as spoken by Yoda), and then on to something entirely bizarre once we hit Dutch. Kips, as everyone knows, would probably contextually mean to sleep – so the Dutch would believe that every man is to sleep – but not dirtily. Or something.

Ok, that’s it for today. I’ll see you tomorrow, where I promise to get around to offending those of you in the back of the audience who have been waiting ever so patiently for your turn.

Don’t get cocky!
Jesus still has 41 days left call Bush and tell him to go on ahead and nuke Wisconsin.

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.