Posted on October 21, 2014
Great! You voted. Now shut up.
We get it. You voted. We know, because you posted the pictures of you voting to Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and wherever the hell else you could, so that everyone would know that you voted. And that you did it as hard as you could. We’re all very impressed.
Now can you please shut up about it?
For real, though. Just stop talking. I understand that voting makes you feel very accomplished and patriotic and dutiful and any other noble-sounding adjectives you feel like throwing on to the pile, but it doesn’t really mean much of anything. I mean, you do realize that, don’t you?
And no, I’m not going to sit here and preach about how the two party system is an illusion and that all politicians are the same and are controlled by the secret IRS Benghazi Bilderberg Trilateral Illuminati Brotherhood. Or corporations. Or whichever nebulous, creeping evil is creeping nebulously into the trendy-verse today.
What I am going to do is tell you what really matters in a democratic republic, and it’s nothing at all to do with voting. Voting is just the People’s Choice Awards in a three piece suit with a flag pin tacked on. It doesn’t really do anything other than contribute to the validity of the election cycle and perpetuate the myth that going to the polls is The Most Important Thing You Can Do as a citizen.
Hint: It’s not. Read More
Posted on October 17, 2014
Ebola. Now shut up.
It all started with a picture. Well, no. That’s not quite right. It started with an aborted Facebook status that led to a picture. But, no. That’s not entirely true, either. I think it really all started the day the first caveman looked up at the stars and asked, “What’s it all about, really?” Except it came out as, “Grunk, bloof-bloof, hocktack” and ended with a sharpened mastodon tusk sticking out of his friend’s chest. Or sticking into it, as it were.
Which is where Republicans come from. Read More
Posted on September 6, 2014
AOHELL
I just got off the phone with AOL. Yes, you read that right. America Freaking On-Line. In 2014. They’re still around, and they’re still as awful as ever. But why was I on the phone with them, you ask? Pull up a chair; I’ll tell you all about it.
Way back in the early aughts, there was no such thing as hotel broadband. Or maybe there was and I just never stayed anywhere fancy enough to have it; but the point is, if you were going to be traveling and might want to connect to the Internet, you’d probably have to dial in. With a squeakybox modem and everything. And to do that, you’d want a local access number so you wouldn’t have to pay additional long distance charges at check out. You’d just pay for the local calls you’d made. This is where AOL comes in. Read More
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