Posted on September 17, 2015
I’m broken
Not too long ago, the Queen of the Internet (as far as I’m concerned, anyway) put out a call for help. Her name is Jenny Lawson, she’s known online as The Bloggess, and she’s weird and wonderful and damaged. One might even say broken.
She would say that, actually. She has said that. And she needed help from other broken souls to put together a trailer for her new book, Furiously Happy. Turns out, I am one of those broken souls.
I’m in the Tribe!
I responded to her request along with thousands of other broken people, which was pretty simple: she wanted us to tell her why we were broken, but why we’re also furiously happy. Because you can be both. At the same time.
I thought about it, then decided to send her my deepest, most secret fear that I am (was) terrified of anyone ever finding out: I am a failure.
I constantly fail. All the time. I try things, they don’t work, then I try the same things again, they don’t work again, then I try once more. And another time after that. And another after that. Constantly.
I try.
I fail.
Incessantly.
It’s part of what makes me who I am, both as a perpetual work-in-progress and as a chronically depressed, anxiety-plagued broken shell of a man. (I’ve recently started trying to write about my struggles with depression, which you might want to check out, if you haven’t. I’ve also started opening up about My Lifetime of Questionable Decisions, which are a lot funnier than depression. But more embarrassing.)
I have the support of a great wife and amazing 9-year-old stepson, who see me through the really dark times. However, even when I’m feeling really low, I still hold on to the belief that success is predicated by failure as a necessity; there are no “overnight” successes. Anyone who wakes up a success one morning hasn’t been sleeping. They’ve been trying, working, and getting better at what they do until the lightning strikes: skill meets up with luck and timing, the stars and planets align, and Something Happens.
I’m still waiting for Something to happen.
And I’m still trying. And failing. And trying again. It’s what I do.
I’m broken because I always fail at everything.
BUT
I’m furiously happy because the only difference between a happy ending and a sad one is where you stop the story. And I’m not done.
Thanks for letting me be part of this, Jenny. You sure are a nifty person.
I’ve embedded the video below, but do be sure to go read Jenny’s post about it. The comments alone are worth it. If you’re looking for me, my ugly mug turns up 5th in the video, right after the person who comes right after Felicia Day.
Yeah, I’m in a video with Felicia Day now, which is kind of amazing. (If you don’t know how inspiring I find her, you should find out. Seriously, click here.)
Christopher Moore is there, too. Along with John Scalzi. And Patrick Rothfuss. And, of course, Jenny Lawson.
And a bunch of other really amazing people who make me brave. Which is the only reason I’m writing this, because I’m still kind of crippled with anxiety over anyone I know ever actually seeing me sitting there with my sign, admitting my greatest insecurity to the world.
I tried explaining this strange combination of excitement and crippling anxiety to my wife, and she responded in the way in which I’ve grown accustomed: “Think of something comforting. Pretend I said it.”
It’s why I love her.
I put myself out into the world every time I publish anything on this blog. Sometimes it’s ugly, and sometimes it’s embarrassing. Usually, it’s funny – but it’s always scary. But putting my greatest insecurity out there – letting everyone I know see how broken I feel sometimes? That’s downright terrifying.
But it’s all right. I’m not worried anymore.
I’m in the Cool Kids Club!
Want some books? 'Course ya do!
NOTE: I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.
I'll take care of it.
Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers
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Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?
Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?
If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.
You're welcome.
Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers
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The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.
Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.
Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.
Always get back up.
Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers
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This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.
The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.
Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.
If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.
I'll try to not be boring.
Horror
Available now from the following retailers
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What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.
What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.
You've been warned.
I love you kiddo …I just love you
So. Much. This…💜
Great Blog Kris!!! I think we all have something that breaks us.
Well done!
You’re amazing. Thank you!
I discovered this post through Jenny’s blog and I couldn’t decide whether to leave you a comment here or on Jenny’s blog so I left one on Jenny’s blog and I’m copying it here. ‘Kay? Here it is:
I’ve just added you to my list of personal heroes (alongside Jenny, of course). I feel like I fail at everything too. All the time. Even though I have the empirical proof that it’s not true–in the face of unassailable evidence that maybe I’ve done something right, I just assume it was a complete accident and surely someone will figure out very soon that I am a total impostor (really, spellcheck, that’s how you spell “impostor”? Hmm). I know how it feels to want to be able to just put your true self out there at the same time as you’re utterly terrified to do so–I bet there was a lot of sweating involved as you were putting your blog post up, am I right? I don’t know you, but I promise you don’t fail at everything. You talked about your wonderful wife and stepson in your blog–those wonderful people are there for you because they think you’re pretty wonderful too. WIN! You overcame your terror to be in Jenny’s video and then you didn’t stop there, you wrote about it. That kind of bravery is no joke. WIN! I bet you are winning all over the damn place and you don’t even know it. And I bet I am too. I don’t know you, but knowing someone like you exists in the world, someone who maybe feels things the way I do and is finding the strength to get through it, is making ME furiously happy. Maybe you’ll consider that a win, too? Thanks for being you and, you know, just being.
Thanks! Yes, my wife and son are the ones who make me feel like a winner, even when I’m not. And I’m usually not. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without them. The other night, Trey (my stepson) told me how proud he was of me for something I did earlier that day, and I was walking around with my chest puffed up the rest of the night. He’s my everything.
My wife’s not too shabby, either. 🙂
The one value I’ve tried to instill in Trey is to Never Give Up. It’s a sort of mantra in this house. I hope he holds onto it.
You’re not an impostor. (Unless you are, and the real Stefanie Ann is somewhere out there, oblivious to your online machinations on blog comment threads!) If you’re anything like me, you just think you are.
And maybe that’s how it needs to be. Maybe feeling like impostors is how we’re supposed to feel. Maybe it’s like parenting: the bad ones are usually supremely confident that they have it all figured out, while the rest of us just feel like we have no idea what we’re doing, and that whatever it is, it’s probably not enough.
I dunno, though. I just type things. They don’t always make sense.
Trust me, I’m definitely the real Stefanie Ann. If I was going to choose someone to impersonate it most certainly wouldn’t be myself. Wow, that’s kinda existential, huh? Thanks for replying to my comment, I didn’t expect it.
Came from the Bloggess…. Well done fellow Tribe member!! So glad you shared, as it does make a difference. Your “keep trying” attitude is perfect. You’ve all ready won. Have a wonderful weekend. 🙂 🙂 🙂
I followed from the Bloggess….I’ve been reading your blog for the last hour, and am enjoying it very much.
Awesome! If you run into any crazy formatting issues – and you will – I’m working on theme. I did a redesign not too long ago, and all my old posts need to be whacked in the head a bit before they look right. But it’s slow going.
Thanks so much for reading!
Thank you! To everyone leaving such kind remarks, just…THANK YOU. I never expected to get such a positive response to this, and I’m deeply grateful for each and every comment, like, share, tweet, email, etc… They are all amazing, and exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
I wish I could find a better way to reply to everyone, but I feel like I’d just be repeating myself over and over again about how amazing all of you are. Because it’s true!
I’ll find the words. Eventually. But right now, I’m just too overwhelmed by all these unexpected feelings of self-worth you’ve given me.
I can’t even.
If you fail a lot, it means that you are trying a lot. People who never fail, never try anything new. Great post.
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