The Best Worst Christian Song Parodies

I develop weird obsessions like normal people develop healthy relationships. For example, I discovered Christian parody songs last night, and now I. CAN’T. STOP. WATCHING.

Seriously, it’s a problem. But don’t worry, I’ve scoured the holiest corners of Internet to find the best worst ones so you don’t have to. But more on that in a minute (or you could just skip right to it, if you don’t feel like reading).

I discovered these wonderfully terrible parodies while indulging one of my other bizarre obsessions: conspiracy theories. Honestly, I can’t even fall asleep anymore without finding a conspiracy video on YouTube before I close my eyes. I love the looney little bastards, which is strange because I also think they’re deeply stupid.

BUT, paying attention to them has become increasingly relevant in a post-Fox News world where Donald Trump is somehow a serious contender for President. Because a lot of what ends up coming out of the mouths of my more right-leaning friends started as a conspiracy theory on some fringe website.

Everything from “9/11 was an inside job” to Obama’s birthers started with a post by someone’s Uncle Crazypants somewhere online. Plus, they’re just fun.

My favorite right now – and one that is inexplicably gaining steam – is the Flat Earth movement. I shit you not.

It’s 2015. We’ve been to the moon (“No, we haven’t! Stanly Kubrick faked it!”), we have communications and weather and spy satellites in geosynchronous orbit over the globe, and there is somehow a growing number of people who believe the Earth is flat, and that the “ball Earth” is nothing but an elaborate conspiracy to hide the TRUTH!

Never mind all the imagery we have showing both the full globe as well as closer shots showing its curvature (“No, we don’t! Those are all faked!”), or the fact that things like modern communications and GPS work off of our fundamental understanding that THE EARTH IS A SPHERE. None of that matters to them, and it’s fascinating to try and figure out why.

The best that I can tell right now is that the Flat Earthers have their roots in Creationism and Young Earth theory, because they’ve interpreted the literal (and somehow objective) truth of the Bible as indicating the Earth is flat. Which sounds crazy because it is, but it’s also very disconcerting. Because these people vote.

Dismissing observable evolutionary science to embrace a 7-day creation myth is already taking a pretty big leap of faith, so it’s not really much more of a gentle hop to get to the Young Earth theory, which eventually boils down to, “Oh yeah? Well, dendochronology only shows that God created things old to start with!”

Seriously, that’s where every Young Earth debate eventually leads. Faced with insurmountable, observable evidence from multiple scientific disciplines showing that the Earth is much older than 6,000 years, people of this kind of thinking always fall back on the idea that God only made things seem old. FOR REASONS. Mysterious ways and all that.

And once you’ve hopped on the Young Earth, it’s a short skip to either the Flat Earth or geocentrism. Or both, where the young, flat Earth that was created in seven days is the center of the universe, around which all the heavens revolve.

I’d say it’s a slippery slope, but since I don’t think a slope has ever existed in metaphor that wasn’t slippery, I’ll just say that conspiracy theories have a way of snowballing once you take that first big leap into the crazy pool.

Get past the initial hurdle of ignoring logic and reason, and everything else just becomes tiny upgrades, like how you go to the movies expecting to order a small soda, but eventually get the mega size because the mega was only .25 cents more than the large, which was only .50 cents more than the medium, which was only .75 cents more than the small you originally wanted.

In the end, we have a growing number of people who – despite all evidence to the contrary – believe that the Earth is young, flat, and at the center of the universe because the way they interpret the Bible tells them it is. And everyone who tells them it isn’t is either complicit in the conspiracy, or “asleep”. Or maybe a sheep or whatever.

As private, commercial space ventures get more successful, it’ll be interesting to see how the Flat Earthers adapt to a non-NASA cover-up. Since it’ll mostly only be very wealthy people going into space first, the theorists will probably label them Illuminati puppetmasters or something. Because that’s what they do.

Anyway, I like to track conspiracy theories and their theorists. It’s fascinating and cringe-worthy, and just good, clean fun for the whole family. Because I develop weird obsessions.

Like the one I started last night, after stumbling down the YouTube rabbit hole without looking where I was going. I was watching one of my random conspiracy videos when one of these nightmares came up next on YouTube’s autoplay feature after I didn’t close the window fast enough, and I found the treasure trove that is Christian Song Parodies.

They are real.
They exist.
They are awful.
And amazing.

I’ve collected my ten favorites (so far), and put them into a handy little list for you, because I care. YOU ARE WELCOME.

The Top Ten Best Worst Christian Song Parodies

#10
SUNDAY, Trinity Church

Remember Rebecca Black’s video, Friday? It was produced by horrible human Patrice Wilson of ARK Music Factory, the place where rich parents went to indulge their kids’ dreams of stardom. (Which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, except that then they put the videos on the Internet. WHERE EVERYONE WOULD SEE.)

Anyway, this is some church’s version of the most annoying song of 2011, which they’ve impressively made even worse by adding even more autotune and less enthusiasm from everyone involved. Unless you count the sudden appearance of “J.M. Beezy” at 2:55, who looks to be a youth pastor sporting the obligatory sideways baseball cap. Because rap.

Bonus points for Youth Pastor Soul Patch™.

#9:
SUNDAY, Community Christian Church

Yeah, it’s another version of Friday, this time from Christian Community Church. But guess what? This one was uploaded on April 6, 2011. The previous one, from Trinity Church, wasn’t uploaded until July 11, 2012. And it stole most of its lyrics from this one, even though I’m pretty sure there’s one of those Commandment things against theft. Ah well, it probably only applies to things like, I dunno, cow and daughters or something, not plagiarism.

Jump to 2:30 for the youth pastor rap. This time it’s “homeboys” BP and Master E. I’m not sure who’s who, but the dude driving is definitely throwing off a “Hey, little girl. Want some candy?” vibe.

Bonus points for Youth Pastor Goatee™.

#8
RAPPIN’ FOR JESUS, 2nd Church of Christ

You’ve probably seen this one, and it’s just…something. I actually feel a little bad for this pastor and his wife. Kind of. They clearly had no idea what was going on, and they do have a certain naive charm about them. Still, there really is no way to watch this and not wince.

Bonus lyrical points: “Jesus Christ is my nigga. Let his light shine through ya! Let his love pop a cap in your butt and say HALLELUJAH!”

#7
ALL ABOUT GOD’S GRACE, Jennifer Flanders

This one doesn’t look like it was made by a church, which would be a refreshing twist on the formula if the video wasn’t so damn creepy. It’s like what I imagine Carrie White’s mom might’ve made her watch, had YouTube been around back in the ’70s.

For added creepiness, all the people in this travesty of music are related to each other. The video proudly proclaims it stars three generations of Flanders family members, at least one of whom I sincerely hope is named Ned. Otherwise, they just missed the goodly doodly point.

Also, this will also be the only appearance of All About That Bass in this list, because I think we’re all more than over this song.

Bonus points for somehow being the whitest video on this list.

#6
PUT IT OFF, NYC Church of Christ

Mark and Lesley Thompson put together this Taylor Swift cover about a married couple that apparently hates the shit out of each other until they start praying or something. Ostensibly, it was made for a marital retreat for couples who can’t stand their passive-aggressive, hate-filled lives, but mostly I think the song is a way for Mark to make a little money off the ads he runs on the video.

Sadly, it’s not all that awful, even if Lesley sounds like she just gives up on the last word of every repetitive series.

Bonus points for overcoming her crippling gag reflex toward her husband’s stinky feet through the power of the Lord. Amen.

#5
CHURCH SIGNS, Dustin Ahkuoi

If you’ve made it this far in the list, then congratulations! We’re halfway there, so take a break with this song, which appears to be an actual parody. I don’t think it’s affiliated with any church, or is even meant as a religious take on a pop song. And it’s surprisingly good.

Also, have you ever noticed that every parody version of Blurred Lines is better than the actual song? Probably because it’s not hard to improve lyrics based on date rape.

Bonus points for Catchy Churchinese.

#4
BABY GOT BOOK, Momentum Christian Church

Back to the awful. You’ve probably seen this one too, but it had to go on this list. Originally uploaded way back in 2007, this Baby Got Back parody was one of the trailblazers of the Christian pop song appropriation movement, so it gets some credit.

Bonus lyrical points: “Some pervert tried to chase, but he didn’t make it past first base. She’s quick to resist temptation, and she loves the new translation!”

#3
LET IT GO, Westboro Baptist Church

No video to go with this one, just the audio. However, I wouldn’t link to WBC if someone paid me, because they’re horrible people and I won’t contribute to giving them pageviews.

They actually have a lot of songs, but I’m only featuring this one. At this point, a Frozen parody is inescapable, so I might as well pair the worst group of people in America with the most insidious earworm to come out of the Disney company since It’s A Small World.

Bonus points for the singers never, ever hitting a single one of the song’s high notes, although they basically gave up by the time they reached the sustained Eb5 at the end.

#2
BORN TO SAVE, Kirkshaw Records

Another song unaffiliated with any church. And, as far as I can tell, “Kirkshaw Records” is a computer in their mom’s basement, but whatever. Aim high, kids.

There’s not much to say about this video, other than to comment on a couple of the lyrics:

Ya Danny Glover was a star
In Lethal Weapon 1 thorough 4 (1 through 4)
And Jesus loves Danny as he loves us
With eternal love forever more

Um, ok. I’m not sure they’re aware that Danny Glover is still alive (as of September 14, 2015, anyway). Or maybe it has nothing to do with being dead and with the Lord, and they just randomly inserted the Lethal Weapon star in the song for unknown reasons. It’s probably best not to question it.

Then, there’s this:

If you’ve been bad he’ll wash you clean
Or you bat for the other team
You’re Jewish, Siek, Chaotic decent,
You’re Atheist, you’re Protestant

Tom Cruise and scientology
Crazy Charlie Sheenology
(Duh winning)
For all our bad sins he forgave because Jesus
He was born to save

I guess these guys are Catholic, since even Protestants are going to hell unless Jesus saves them. Obviously atheists are screwed, along with Tommy Cruise and Charlie Sheen, but then they have to throw a little Jewish hate in there, again for inexplicable reasons. And some gay hate too, because at least one of these dudes is clearly working a raging case of self-loathing.

Bonus points for predicting Charlie Sheen’s overdose by the end of the year that never happened.

#2
SINGLE LADIES, Beaumont First Assembly of God

I got praise on my lips, no child-bearin’ hips
Got no fear of an STD
Summin’ up, this is what’s up
I can care less what you think

I don’t have anything else to add, except to say that it’s couldn’t care less. But words are hard. Pray for grammar.

Bonus points for the dude who goes broke paying child support after he apparently knocked up half the county.

#1
BLESS YOU, GMDOCNICE

Here it is: the best worst Christian parody video, by some guy I’m calling Mr. Unpronounceable. He’s apparently hip to some kind of black Jewish conspiracy – probably funded by the Bravo network – to leave angry, anti-Christian comments on YouTube, and he’s got a few words to say about it. Or something. It’s not entirely clear.

There’s so much wrong with this video, it’s hard to pick any one thing as the worst. Maybe it’s the angry YouTube comments guy, or it could be whatever’s up with that keyboard player. Or the fact that this guy turned a song called “Fuck You” into a Jesus jingle. Take your pick.

Bonus points for the surprise MC Hammer reference.

Honorable Mention
ENTER SAMSON, ApologetiX

You cannot kill The Metal! But I guess you can cut its hair.

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