Life – The Text Adventure

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You are floating in a murky pool of gelatinous fluid. It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

>WAIT
Time passes…
You hear the muffled scream of a woman in the distance.
A light appears to the South.

>GO SOUTH
You are at the mouth of a large cave. There is a giant hand here.

>LOOK AT HAND
You look at the hand. It’s coming right for you.

>GO NORTH
That way is blocked. The hand grabs your head and begins to pull you toward the mouth of the cave.

>SCREAM
Not yet.

>RUN
You can’t even walk.

>CRY
Ok. The hand rips you from the cave, which is now collapsing behind you. Another hand slaps your bottom. You cry.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve been born.
Now what?

>LOOK
You see a lot of things you won’t understand for years. Would you like to wait?

>YES
Yes, what?

>WAIT
Time passes…
CONGRATULATIONS! You just made a poopy.
Now what?

>WAIT
Time passes…
You are now a year old. There is a cake here.

>LOOK AT CAKE
There is a lit candle in the center.

>BLOW OUT CANDLE
You try to blow the candle out, but just end up drooling on yourself. And the cake. Your parents are mortified.

>WAIT
Time passes…
You are now two years old. There is a cake here.

>IGNORE CAKE
Ok. You fall asleep. Your face collapses into the cake and you spit Gerber’s all over the icing. Your parents are mortified.

>WAIT
Time passes…
You are now three years old. There is no cake here.

>WAIT
Time passes…
You are now four years old.

>WAIT
Time passes…
You are now five. There is a kindergarten here.

>LOOK AT KINDERGARTEN
You see a boy licking his shoe.

>TALK TO BOY
He says, “Hello.” Then, he licks your shoe.

>WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT
Time passes…Time passes…Time passes…
You are now 14. There is a puberty here.

>TAKE PUBERTY
CONGRATULATIONS! You receive the ability of inappropriately timed erections and develop an inexplicable hatred of your parents.

>GROW UP
You need to finish high school first.

>FINISH HIGH SCHOOL
But you haven’t even had sex yet!

>HAVE SEX
Have sex with whom?

>HAVE SEX WITH GIRL
Fat chance.

>HAVE SEX WITH SELF
CONGRATULATIONS! You have earned a Kleenex.

>FINISH HIGH SCHOOL
You graduate. There is a diploma here.

>GET DIPLOMA
You take the diploma. Nothing happens.

>PURSUE DREAMS
You need to go to college first.

>GO TO COLLEGE
You enroll in a university. There is a crippling debt here.

>ACQUIRE CRIPPLING DEBT
CONGRATULATIONS! You have earned student loans and receive a +10 to your Regret stat. There is a diploma here.

>TAKE DIPLOMA
You can’t finish college without having sex. It’s like a rule and stuff.

>HAVE SEX
Have sex with whom?

>HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE
You have sex with everyone. Nothing happens.

>FINISH COLLEGE
You should probably try going to class first.

>GO TO CLASS
You need to stop having sex with everyone first.

>STOP HAVING SEX
Ok. You stop having sex.

>GO TO CLASS
You go to class. It looks a lot like a bar. There is a drink here.

>TAKE DRINK
You take the drink…and start having sex with everyone again.

>STOP DRINKING AND HAVING SEX
CONGRATULATIONS! You have finished college. There is a job here.

>TAKE JOB
You take the job.

>GO TO WORK
You arrive on your first day of work. Your office is in a cubicle. There is a chair here.

>SIT IN CHAIR
You sit down at your desk. There is a computer here.

>USE COMPUTER
You turn on the computer. The stupidity of other people fills your screen.

>MAKE OTHER PEOPLE LESS STUPID
If you did that, you wouldn’t have a job. Try just fixing their problems, instead.

>FIX OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS
CONGRATULATIONS! As a reward for your hard work, your boss gives you more work. There is a rest of your life here.

>TAKE REST OF MY LIFE
You try to take the rest of your life, but fail. It is being guarded by a crippling debt.

>KILL CRIPPLING DEBT
You need to finish working first.

>FINISH WORKING
CONGRATULATIONS! You are now old. There is a retirement here.

>TAKE RETIREMENT
You take the retirement and are killed by a crippling debt.

**** GAME OVER ****
SCORE: 35
RESTORE | QUIT ?

>RESTORE
Loading…
CONGRATULATIONS! As a reward for your hard work, your boss give you more work. There is a rest of your life here.

>PURSUE DREAMS
You need to find another job to do that.

>LOOK FOR NEW JOB
You find a job closer to your dreams in an unstable position at a dubious corporation. There is a huge mistake here.

>TAKE HUGE MISTAKE
CONGRATULATIONS! You’re hired.

>GO TO WORK
You need to quit your old job first.

>QUIT OLD JOB
You leave your cubicle. There is a farewell party here. And cake.

>EAT CAKE
You eat the cake. It is your boss’ favorite flavor.

>HATE CAKE
You silently seethe with secret loathing. Nothing happens.

>GO TO NEW JOB
You arrive at work to find your new office lacks a cubicle. There is a chair here.

>SIT IN CHAIR
You sit down. There is a computer here.

>USE COMPUTER
Use computer to do what?

>USE COMPUTER TO MAKE CORPORATION MORE EFFICIENT AND RELEVANT TO THE CURRENT MARKET
You earn some money. There is a crippling debt here. It looks hungry.

>FEED CRIPPLING DEBT
The crippling debt devours your paycheck, but still looks hungry.

>USE COMPUTER TO IMPRESS YOUR BOSS BY MAKING THE CORPORATION EVEN MORE EFFICIENT AND PROFITABLE
CONGRATULATIONS! Your work enables the company to set new records and even wins an award! Your boss is so impressed by your ability to automate daily tasks that he gives you a special prize: he lays you off. There is a severance package here.

>TAKE SEVERANCE PACKAGE
You pick up the severance package. A crippling debt glares at it with hungry eyes.

>FEED CRIPPLING DEBT
You give your severance package to the crippling debt. It growls as it snatches it from your hands and sprints off into the shadows.

>FIND NEW JOB
In this economy?

>YES
Are you serious?

>YES
Really?

>YES!
Ok. Would you like fries with that?

>HATE LIFE
Hating life won’t stop the crippling debt.

>HATE CRIPPLING DEBT
Your heart fills with anger and disgust. Nothing happens.

>FIND NEW JOB
Seriously, there’s nothing here. Try moving.

>RELOCATE
You need money for that.

>FIND MONEY
You plunder the cavernous depths of your couch cushions and then go buy a drive-thru taco.

>APPLY FOR TACO JOB
You’re overqualified.

>WRITE NEW RESUME
You construct a new resume, where you have no experience doing anything.

>APPLY FOR TACO JOB
You’re too old.

>PURSUE DREAMS?
Nice try. You are eaten by a crippling debt.

**** GAME OVER ****
Score:36
RESTORE | QUIT ?

>QUIT

Now go play the new and improved ACTUAL game over here: Life – The Text Adventure 2.0!

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.