Miss me?

Hello again, Internet. I see you have gotten along rather well in my absence, but all good things must come to an end. Deal with it.

I could recount all of my grand adventures since my last post, but I want this to be a shorter entry than normal. In fact, I want all my future entries to be shorter from here on. Why? Because I can.

Also, because you asked for it. Or, at least, the Internet at large did. So consider this my gift to you addle-brained jellyheads with the attention spans of AD/HD mayflies. You’re welcome.

Of course, my benevolence is a lie. I’m writing shorter entries because I don’t have time to write longer ones anymore. Between being a parent, a writer, an online producer and general all-around awesome human being, I have to cut corners somewhere. At least this way, the dummies out there who stumble upon this blog can get a bite-sized entry without having their brains explode in the face of too many words.

Everybody wins!

In fact, I should be writing my column for Thursday’s paper right now instead of rambling here. Technically, I should have written it this weekend.

However, my editor is a kind and gentle sort of monster who will likely forgive me a few missed deadlines here and there on account of her not having to work so hard at amputating my words for a few days.

She wields her editorial knife with a steady hand not unlike the killer in a slasher flick: calm and with murderous intent. Seriously, she absolutely lives to cut whole swaths of text from my work like an angry volcano god smiting an entire village of non-believers who didn’t bother checking to make sure the virginal sacrifice was fresh.

Still, her gleeful massacres of my beautiful words have made me endeavor to be more concise. At least, that’s what she tells herself. And me. At length. Daily.

The truth of the matter is I look at the whole thing like a war of attrition. I continue to throw a massive amount of text at her and she continues to exhaust her energies whittling it down to something that can actually run on two pages of newsprint without consuming an entire section. Do this enough, and she’ll get tired. Sloppy. Things will start to slip through. A phrase here and a sentence there until finally, entire paragraphs pass by unnoticed and intact. Eventually, I will have my way. It’s just how things work in my world.

Unless she reads this…

Right then. I’ll be back later in the week with something of more substance. Brief, but with some meat on it. For now, accept this meager post as my way of saying thanks for not abandoning the site whilst I was away.

I love you little bastards.

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.