Community, Identity, Stability…and Farmville!

There are many things in this world that want our souls, from demonic beasties prowling the nightmares of legend, all the way up the celestial ladder to the divine and back down again to the terrible pits of devils and fiends. Always the same, but the names change: God and Jesus. Satan and the Anti-Christ. Facebook and Apple… …

Lately, there’s been a lot of talk burning through the fiber optic capillaries of the Internet about the evils of Facebook and the tyranny of Apple. But, as with so many things in this grim and misleading world, most of it’s true and most of it’s lies, and none of it means what you think it means. It is true that Facebook doesn’t care about people’s privacy, but it’s also true that people don’t care about their privacy, either. Oh sure, there are the righteous and indignant who will stand high upon their virtual mountaintops screaming, “Betrayal!” at the heart of the world, but no one’s really listening. Not even themselves.

The truth is, the easiest way to prevent Facebook from spreading personal data around the Internet like a boring little virus made up of boring little facts about boring little lives, is simply to not use Facebook. Abstinence is always the best way to avoid infection or to prevent your browsing habits from shimmering up the fallopian Intertubes to impregnate the quivering uterus of an Advertising whore, but it’s not a very realistic option. The allure of connecting to Facebook to share the mundane details of life is too strong a temptation to resist, and it greatly eclipses the simple pleasures of eating the low hanging fruit from a forbidden garden tree (and we all know how well that turned out). Humanity lost its technological innocence back in the late ’90s when we all began drinking the shimmering electric Kool-Aid of the World Wide Web, and we’re never getting it back again. Get used to the idea.

The naked truth of the matter is that people will continue using Facebook despite all their protests and petitions. They will keep connecting and keep sharing, and the demigods of the Facey Book will be right there to suckle at the bleeding teat of all that communication. And you know what? You won’t care, in the end. Nobody will, because it’s much ado about absolutely nothing. Yes, Facebook shares your information with third parties. Yes, your mother will probably find out all the naughty things you post on your Wall and the government will discover that you’re a dirty little teabagger. Your pictures of crazy college nights will find their way to the desktops of prospective employers, and you’ll receive a sudden and uncomfortable education in humility from the Human Resources department. Life is a series of choices followed by consequences, and in this brave new world of always-on, constant communication that we all wanted a dozen or so years ago, our choices are always public and permanent. So are the consequences.

After all, it’s no good to honorably run in a charity marathon if you can’t brag about it on your Facebook Wall, and it’s no fun playing the part of the rebellious, freedom-loving patriot if you can’t show the world how brave and unyielding you because you clicked Glenn Beck’s “Like” Button. Facebook abstinence just isn’t an option in the real world, where feigned concerns over privacy don’t stop people from oversharing in the same way that Purity Rings don’t stop teenagers from driving their cars into hidden alcoves to test the suspension and do a little clumsy organ grinding in the back seat. Sure, everyone may feel a little guilty about it afterwards, but sooner or later they always come back for more.

The powers that be at Facebook are interested in your personal data simply because they can share sell it to third parties and advertisers, who then give the Facebook yahwehs buckets of cash in return. This is the way of the world, of the corporation and the free market. Either embrace the oligarchy and enjoy the new world order of slick technolgical contributions to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, or tune out, turn off and drop away into the ether. It’s your choice, but be aware that living off the grid while everyone you know is having fun riding the digital surf moves you away from the beach and into the grimy scenery of Unibomber and Ruby Ridge territory. It’s lonely there. And dangerous.

At the end of the day, Facebook isn’t doing anything new to us that we don’t already do to ourselves. We use store loyalty cards, order things off the Internet, and pay for everything we buy with our debit cards. We connect to the Internet through services that log our every move, and we stumble around its labyrinthine corridors with the help of the almighty Google, who tries really hard not to be evil, but keeps records just in case.

Our lives are already being tracked, logged and sold to the highest bidder, and we opt-in to all these programs either because they make life easier, more affordable, or just plain possible. Facebook sharing your likes and dislikes with advertisers is not giving them the keys to your sanctum sanctorum. It gets you targeted ads. That’s it. And, if you’d rather not expose some tender bit of dangling truth to your friends, family and potential bosses, try not posting it to Facebook. I’m not saying that if you don’t want people to know that you do dirty little things in your private time, then don’t do them. I’m just saying, don’t brag about them. Just skip that particular status update or photo gallery or whatever other miserable thing it is you think is exciting, and leave the naughty bits inside the shoebox you keep beneath the floorboards. Personally, I had my Shame gland excised in a strange and terrible voodoo ritual involving two dozen chickens, forty-eight gallons of diesel fuel and the curious gyrations of a hermaphroditic lesbian priestess back in 1995, so I post everything. Your mileage, however, may vary.

The ugly reality (despite what boxes you think you’re ticking on Facebook and what effect on your privacy you think they’re having) is that Facebook remembers everything you do. It holds it and stores it and, in some cases, reviews it. Facebook owns everything you post into its warm and inviting databases. So, regardless of what privacy you may think you have, the truth is that you don’t have any. It’s an illusion. You sold your soul to the big blue F the moment you started filling in your first status update, and it’s a little late to be getting cold feet now. The devil always gets his due.

For my part, I’ve completely opened my Facebook profile, exposing the soft underbelly of my Likes and Pokes to the seedy side of the Internet in an attempt to provoke my own personal technopocalypse, although I’m prepared for disappointment. Instead, I expect to be bombarded by targeted ads, but that already happens. I expect to be routinely bothered by people I don’t know, but that already happens. I suspect I’ll get a lot of spam, but I’m used to that, as well. Maybe I’ll luck out and some Nigerian prince will offer me his fortune, or perhaps I’ll finally know what it means to have a “bonus sexy giant man penis” swinging betwixt my thighs that is “imposing to the sex of super female orgasms” thanks to the herbal wonders of imported Chinese Viagra. Who knows? Maybe nothing at all will change. Nothing ever does.

So stand on your soapboxes and rant, if it makes you feel better. Sign your Internet petitions and pretend to boycott Facebook on May 31, when ‘Quit Facebook Day‘ takes the Internet by storm sprinkle. Hold off posting your latest round of vacation photos until June rolls around, and let your status updates go untended – just make sure to be back in time to harvest your Farmville carrots before they spoil. Face it: the world is wired now, kids. Big brother’s been watching for years, and he doesn’t really care what you’re doing on Facebook. He just wants to sell you something; so either get with the program and jack in, or sign the hell out already and jack off alone.

Check back this Thursday next Tuesday at some point (after I’ve done a little more research) for Part Two: Nibbling The Electric Apple

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.