Posted on April 1, 2010
The Fools Of April
Today marks the annual parade of the twin forces of Annoyance and Distrust as they come marching through the streets and avenues that connect our lives. It is April 1st – April Fool’s Day, and I’m not over-exaggerating when I say, “Don’t Trust Anyone.” Certainly, don’t trust anything you read on the Internet today. The web has a long and messy history of April Fool’s jokes and with gags ranging from Gmail Paper and a site praising IE6 to the UK’s Guardian abandoning print for Twitter and Google predicting the future, the Internet has proven itself to be entirely unreliable every day once a year. Heck, considering Maxim’s prank on the Bush Twins, even print media is not immune to the giddy excitement of April 1st. My advice? Stay offline today, unless it’s to read Coquetting Tarradiddles, for I will never lie to you.
After my first bite, my spidey-sense tried to warn me that something was wrong. The flavor combination produced through the interplay of meat, cheese and flour was, for some strange and unknowable reason, oddly tangy. A bit sour, even – and, when dealing with dairy products, sour is never a good sign. As I sat there masticating my way through the sinewy grit of questionable fajita meat, my mind immediately flashed to a scene of Gordon Ramsay bursting forth from the kitchen and into the dining room to shut the restaurant down. Disgusting images from some of the better episodes of Kitchen Nightmares flooded my imagination as I sat there, contemplating how long some of the ingredients of my meal might have been left to rot upon some lonely shelf of a broken refrigerator. Still, I pressed ever onward through the slowly-congealing lactose nightmare, growing increasingly concerned with each new bite. Hunger motivated me, overriding the impulse of my instincts that were screaming at me to abandon all hope, yet still I kept going. And going. And going.
follow. Still, the woman at the Rebox continued talking on her phone while swiping and reswiping her rejected credit card. By the time she eventually found a card that would authorize her big spending, I was already dilated to ten centimeters and ready to give birth to the creeping Lovecraftian horror growing inside me. We barely made it home when I made a mad rush to the bathroom, where I spent the remainder of the evening alone and in pain, watching YouTube videos on my iPhone. It was a miserable experience, and I’ve since vowed to: 1.) Put down the fork the very second I start thinking about Gordon Ramsay, and 2.) Never eat Queso Flameado again. I suspect the second vow will be more effective than the first, but I’m not taking any chances. I’m also not going back to that particular restaurant again anytime soon.
Want some books? 'Course ya do!
NOTE: I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.
I'll take care of it.
Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers
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Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?
Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?
If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.
You're welcome.
Short Stories
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The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.
Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.
Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.
Always get back up.
Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers
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This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.
The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.
Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.
If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.
I'll try to not be boring.
Horror
Available now from the following retailers
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What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.
What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.
You've been warned.
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