BREAKING NEWS!

Brittany and I were not married on October 24, 2009, at least so far as Barbara Ann Radnofsky would have us believe. Babs is running for Texas Attorney General on the Democratic ticket, and she’s just announced that Texas banned ALL marriage way back in two thousand and five, when the Lone Star State of Stupid passed a constitutional amendment intended to ban gay marriages. It turns out that there’s a little clause in the amendment that reads, “This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.” That’s right – in an effort to rule out potential massaging of the language and prevent things like civil unions and domestic partnerships, the state of Texas has ratified itself into a corner. It cannot technically grant legal marriages to anyone. Anyone!

Hyperbole aside, the reality of this situation is that Barbara Ann, not content to revel in the passing fame of her Beach Boys-inspired name, is just playing politics in her race to the AG throne. The amendment was passed under the current attorney general, a Republican by the name of Greg Abbott. And, while Costello was unavailable for comment, Abbott’s spokesman said that the attorney general stands behind the amendment and later went on to confirm that Who is, if fact, on first base.

This is one of those sound and fury type of stories, the kind that stirs up a lot of fervor before sinking slowly beneath the undulating waves of the public consciousness. It’s playing party politics and fighting for sound bites, while yet another candidate starts up their campaign on a platform of change. Has anyone ever stopped to consider that every damned candidate runs on this same platform, yet nothing ever actually changes? Well, not for the better, at least. When the natural order of things is to atrophy, change only seems to bring about ruin and decay. And, while freedom slowly erodes like the disappearing beaches of Galveston island, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Same shit, different day. We go on.

So, in its attempt to ban the innocuous right of marriage to anyone who doesn’t meet the guidelines of the predominant religion, Texas has accidentally banned all marriage in the great state of big cows and even bigger piles of steaming bullshit. Of course, this little jumbled misstep of legalese will likely be corrected toot sweet, but it would be interesting to see it challenged at least once before it goes away, sort of like rubbernecking a horrible traffic accident. No one will benefit from it, but it will be hard not to look away. I know that if I’d been married to my NottaWife in 2005 rather than 2003, I certainly would have put it to the test. If there were a way to simply erase that miserable and lunatic experience from my life’s story by taking Texas up on its offer to negate my misplaced union, I’d have been all over it like nerds on a Lambda Lambda Lambda charter – sure, I’d be getting what I wanted on a technicality, but at the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters?

Like I said, it will be interesting to see if any currently-in-process divorces are affected by this news. All it takes is one enterprising attorney to convince his client that he can secure her marital property by using this clause to render the marriage void to kick things off. Further still, what’s to stop a mother from citing this clause to prevent a custody battle for the children of the family? If there was no legal marriage, then the father has little claim on the children that were produced during the non-recognized marital union. It’s a long way down a slippery legal rabbit hole, and I’m not sure I really want to see what’s at the bottom. Things could get very ugly for a lot of people if even one case results in a divorce-upsetting precedent, so Texas should get on the ball and fix things quickly.

But, of course, that won’t happen because to do so would be for the current AG to admit some sort of fault or incompetence, which simply won’t do when there’s an election coming up – and there’s always another election coming up. No, the situation won’t be remedied until one of two things happen: either enough time passes that people forget about the oversight in the amendment and it can be quietly corrected, or a high-profile case using the restrictive clause results in a legal precedent that upholds the notion that all marriages in Texas since 2005 are illegal and unrecognized, thereby causing all of us newlyweds to hop the border and quickly get married in an adjoining state. If so, it’s likely that a place like Lake Charles, Louisiana may soon become the rival to Las Vegas that it’s wanted to be ever since it opened up its very first casino. Just add a few Quick-E-Weds and throw in some drive-thru annulment centers, and we’re off to the races! Jackpot!

The lesson that everyone should learn from this – but that nobody who hasn’t already done so will – is that stupidity begets stupidity. Attempting to prevent gays from marrying each other is stupid, and has resulted in a stupidly drafted stupid amendment that is being stupidly challenged by an ambitious lawyer who’s milking the stupid publicity for all it’s worth. Why is the idea of homosexual marriage so scary to so many straight people? Are the gays going to move into your neighborhoods and start recruiting for the other side? Are you scared you might lose your spouse to their hedonistic lifestyle of same-sex monogamy or, perhaps worse, yourself? It can’t all be based on the simple mythology of a 2000-year-old religion that encourages us to murder rebellious children (Deuteronomy 21:18-21) and celebrates infanticide (Exodus 12:12), can it? Surely, Christians make concessions to modern times to forgive the Bible some of its more…colorful passages, so why not let this whole gay thing go, too? After all, Christians don’t sacrifice many lambs at Sunday morning church these days, if they even go. A lot of them are at work, busily flipping burgers or selling blue jeans as they dishonor the Sabbath and refuse to keep it Holy. If selling fried ebola patties and sweatshop clothing on God’s special day is fine by the churches, then why not let gay couples tie the knot?

No, it’s not just religion. Religion is part of it, certainly – but it’s merely something to hide behind to justify simple bigotry and intolerance for anything a person dislikes. It’s not that person being a selfish and ignorant, hate-spewing bastard if God told them to do it, after all. It’s not his own fear and insecure paranoia over the fact that he might be homosexual himself that drives someone like Fred Phelps and the entire congregation of Westboro Baptist Church to picket funerals with “God Hates Fags” signs, is it? It can’t be, not if Jesus himself said that gay lovin’ was a no-no! They’re just bringing God’s Word to the sinning masses. It’s not about hate, it’s about spreading God’s message of peace, love and understanding – and eternal damnation if you happen to be a squishmitten-licking lesbian or enjoy sticking your pee-pee in the pooper-shoot of a mangina. You know, because what one adult consensually does with another adult’s naughty bits behind closed doors is what defines them as human beings and members of society. Yeah, and I have a bridge to sell you…

I would love to live in a world populated by people. Not gay people or straight people, or black people or white people, just regular old, ordinary people. Good people who do good things and bad people who do bad things or – more accurately – good people who do bad things and bad people who do good things. We all have a little good and a little bad churning away inside our braincases, and it’s up to us to decide what paths we wish to take as we journey through life. If I’d lived in Biblical times, I wouldn’t have stoned my NottaWife to death simply because she grew to be an adulterous spouse, even if I wanted to and even if God told me to, because she might eventually go on to do good things. It might not be likely, it might not even be remotely plausible – but it’s always possible. The world is filled with good people who’ve done bad things, just as it’s peppered with bad people who have done good things. Just because Person X belongs to Group Y doesn’t mean that everyone in Groups R, S, T, L, N and E should hate them. If that were the case, then we’d have a world overrun with bigotry, hatred and violence – not to mention the fact that no one would ever solve anything on the Wheel of Fortune. Let’s not live in that world.

Of course, this whole legal problem in Texas raises an interesting point concerning who among us has the right to grant marriages. Since the amendment was driven by beliefs birthed in religion, then even if the state has inadvertently banned marriage as a legal institution, Brittany and I are still married in the eyes of God, aren’t we? Since we were wed in a church by a man of the cloth as a religious observation, then what the courts say doesn’t really matter to us, does it? We’re married and we know it, as do all of the other heterosexual couples who’ve tied the knot in Texas since 2005. Then again, if the legality doesn’t matter…then why should it matter?

Oh, yeah, because we want the legal protections (and restrictions) that come with being legally wed – but if we can separate the religious from the legal when it comes to heterosexual marriages, why can’t we do the same thing with homosexual ones? Let the religions of the world argue over what’s morally right and wrong, and let them grant or deny marriages as they see fit – the government won’t interfere. If homosexuality is a sin and God can’t abide it, then let no church marry any gay couple. I have no problem with that, I assure you. Just let the courts grant the same legal – and non-religious – status to gay couples as the rest of us have access to. Who does it hurt? Nobody.

Then again, maybe I’m wrong and the gays will end us all. I mean, there are signs, after all. Just look at rise of metrosexuals and the entire Axe product line. If a loofa can be disguised as a “Body Detailing Tool” and sell a million units to testosterone-filled, waterheaded frat boys from sea to shining sea, then maybe there is something to that whole slippery slope argument…

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NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
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The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
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This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
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What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.