Bloggin’ Regulation!

The Federal Trade Commission has decided that bloggers blogging on their blogs need to be bloggin’ regulated, or there’ll be Hell to bloggin’ blog about, by Blog!

The ever-lovin’, blue-eyed Thing FTC has apparently grown tired of the grassroots, open source mentality that drives writing on the Internet, and so took steps on Monday to bring all the free speech buzzing around on the highways and byways of the Information Superhighway under some sort of federally regulated control. I suspect the blogosphere will be swelling and undulating with indignant rage over it, and we here at Coquetting Tarradiddles would be the first to board the hate train and angrily toot the fury whistle as we pull away from the station, riding on rails driven white-hot by the tempestuous friction of our discontent – if only we weren’t paralyzed by simply not caring.

The whole buzz is about the FTC interpreting existing law to enforce some measure of accountability and responsibility for a certain type of blogger – and I’m sorry, but I just don’t see what the big deal is. For years now, some bloggers have been receiving money and freebies from companies in exchange for glowing, unrealistic reviews and biased testimonials of their products. All the FTC is asking is that bloggers disclose when they receive compensation from an advertiser, and that their reviews and/or testimonials are identified as the browser-based infomercials they truly are: the “Paid Programming” of the Internet. I’ve dipped my toes into the bitter pool of subversive, viral ad campaigns once or twice, but I always made it clear that I was in it for the money. Or the stuff. Or both. In the end, however, it just wasn’t worth it.

I’m not in this for the money, as evidenced by the fact that less than four tenths of one percent of my visitors have ever clicked an AdSense unit and, after running their Mad Lib-esque “targeted” ads for approximately one year, Google is finally sending me my first check next month. Apparently, four tenths of one percent of my readership is worth one hundred bucks. Yay, me! I think I’ll retire. Now, if only I could get the other 99.64% of you to start clicking…

Many bloggers take up the slack from the impotence of their AdSense revenue by selling dedicated advertising space to specific parties. These types of ads are usually far more lucrative and more effective for everyone, since they likely target a blog’s readership better than Goggle’s anemic attempts at automated targeting through AdSense. It’s a good system, if you’ve got the readership to back the play. I’ve been approached a few times for this sort of ad, but I’ve only received one offer that I didn’t feel was too one-sided to consider. Over in my sidebar, you’ll find a link to Titanium Wedding Rings Online that I put there in exchange for a men’s wedding ring of my choice, free of charge. I chose a rather nice ring, too – and Brittany will be putting it on my finger on the 24^th. A ring for me, a link for them, and everyone walks away happy. (In effect, I made more money from that one link than I’ve yet to make from all of my AdSense revenue. Did I mention my abysmal 0.36% click-thru rate?)

The ugly side to blog advertising comes mainly from customer testimonials that have been bought and paid for by an advertiser. Bloggers rarely disclose when they’re being paid to post about a product. In fact, many of these “opportunities” either discourage or specifically prohibit such revelations being made to a blog’s readers. It usually goes down like this. An advertiser contacts a blogger to notify him or her that he or she qualifies to participate in a specific campaign. They will then offer a free sample of the product that, unlike in traditional journalism, does not have to be returned, or they will simply make an offer of a one-time payment in exchange for a blog post tailored to their specifications. For example, over the past few months, I’ve received opportunities to participate in the following ad campaigns:

• Praise the 100% pure, therapeutic grade essential oils in Dinovite’s Dogosuds® Dog Shampoo, making sure to mention that it also works great on skunk odor
• Praise recipes featured on iVillage (a women’s health, wellness, and beauty site)
• Write about how life-changing I find Yamaha’s NeoHD Universal Remote to be
• Discuss my favorite NFL players for WaiverWire.com and link to their promotion
• Write a POV piece from the perspective of an old laptop that wants to be a shiny new Hewlett-Packard laptop more than anything in the whole world, and plug HP site coupons
• Write a heartfelt testimonial about someone with sciatica, then plug something called a PorcuPad that “practically cures” it, making sure to write an amusing remark about how passionate the vendor is in his refund policy video
• Tell people how to start their own businesses by directing them to buy windshield repair kits
• Write a persuasive essay convincing people that Gillette can help men in their careers by keeping them properly groomed, then point them to Gillette’s Career Advantage program
• Convince people that, in today’s uncertain financial climate, having LASIK is the only sensible option to paying the outrageous costs of glasses, contact lenses and solutions

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Most of these advertisers want glowing endorsements in the form of either dedicated entries or casual mentions, in exchange for a few pieces of silver and the opportunity to do more business with them in the future. Now, there’s no problem with plugging a product that you’ve tried and liked – but none of these advertisers care about truth. They tell you what they want you to say and how they want you to say it. It’s a big business, preying on the unrealistic financial goals of naive and untalented writers. Most bloggers will write anything you want them to, because if they get a buck fifty for a five paragraph essay extolling the many and wondrous virtues of something called Poo-B-Gone, then they can call themselves professional writers. They’ve been paid to write! The dream is real! It’s all happening! Hooray!

In truth, the deep hidden secret of blogging is the massive amount of money that’s not in it. Unless you limit your blog to a narrow target demographic, you probably won’t attract independent advertisers to pay you to run a dedicated ad on your site, and you’ll certainly not get rich by relying on the nonsensically targeted ads of AdSense. If you’re blogging for the money, you’re better off going out and finding a real job. Oh sure, you can whore yourself out to every advertiser that wants a few glowing words endorsing their product and you can probably generate a decent supplemental income from it. Of course, your blog will eventually be recognized for the vapid corporate shill that it is, but you’ll still be getting paid. Never mind that, twenty years from now, everyone who follows your link to Crazy Larry’s LASIK Center will wake one morning to find their eyeballs melted to their PorcuPad pillow – you don’t have a responsibility to be accurate. You just have to meet the requirements for the advertiser’s opportunity. You’re blameless and all your fake testimonials will one day make you super kinda sorta rich moderately wealthy less poor. Good for you!

Only, the FTC says that, come December 1, 2009, the party’s over. You’ll have to start disclosing your infomercial advertisements for what they are. You’ll have to violate the agreements most of the advertisers want you to make by explicitly stating that you were compensated to write an endorsement. Viral marketing via blogs will either change into something a bit more respectable and recognizable for what it is, or bloggers will be faced with potential fines up to $11,000 per violation. That’s a lot of doggie shampoo.

The rest of the blogosphere may be enraged by the FTC sticking its nose into our business, but my business has never been to mislead anyone for my own personal gain. I’ll keep going on with Coquetting Tarradiddles in the same way as I’ve always done: talking about my life, and endorsing products that I feel like endorsing, just because I want to – not because I’m being paid for it. So, just to be clear, I’m fully endorsing the following, and I do so from my own free will:

That’s not to say that I wouldn’t accept any gifts, prizes, or monies that any of the individuals listed above may or may not wish to send me in great and awesome quantities. That would just be rude – plus, I’m really hoping for the eventual crossover hit novel/film/game, The Thieving Pirate That Shouted ROCK! at the Undead Heart of the Discworld.

Hey, it could happen…

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.