One, Two, Swine Flu’s Coming For You…

We’re sorry, but we interrupt your regularly scheduled Tarradiddling to bring you the following, important message. We will resume our regular broadcast tomorrow. Pay attention!

Having grown tired of scaring the bejeebus out of people with the mad cow disease from Europe, the media eventually moved on to the bird flu from China, which was supposed to wipe out all of humanity in the most bitter and horrific biblical plague since Egyptian pestilence and incurable boils, but which really only amounted to people poking fun at a bunch of terrified Asians wearing silly little doctor’s masks. Unfortunately for the talking heads of the world, however, the bird flu didn’t quite live up to expectations, and the world did not, in fact, come to an end. Sure, a lot of people have died from the bird flu, and a lot of people are still dying from it, but that’s all old news now. The sensation of the novelty has grown cold, and so we have come full circle from hoof to wing, and back to hoof again. Cloven, to be precise.

The terrible swine flu pandemic is upon us, and its great and fearful terror is sweeping through the four corners of the Earth, infecting millions and causing untold cases of death and mayhem, as well as complete and intractable hysteria. The simple truth is that you’re probably not going to catch swine flu. In fact, chances are that nobody you know is going to come down with it, either. Why? Because it’s just not that damned dangerous. Well, not yet, anyway.

Han Solo didn’t need to know the odds, because Han Solo was awesome.

Take it from a guy who lives in Southeast Texas, not too far from Houston. I’m sitting right next door to one of the significant “outbreak sites” – and I’m not concerned at all. Why not? Because I understand probability and odds, and crazy things like Science and statistics and basic common sense. If I don’t want to catch the swine flu, I can do wild and wacky things like wash my hands, and avoid swapping bodily fluids with sick people. What I don’t need to do is lock myself in my house, duct tape the windows, and gaze panic-stricken at the television while feverishly broadcasting paranoid Tweets to the world and waiting for the sky to fall.

Listen. So far, the grand, global total of worldwide infections is a whopping and astonishing two-hundred and sixty-eight confirmed cases. You heard me right: 268. To put it in perspective, the world’s population hovers somewhere around 6.7 BILLION. Or, to put it another way, while 268 unfortunate people have contracted swine flu (of which, sadly, 26 are known to have died from it, with another 154 suspected), a good 6,706,992,884 other people are just fine. They’re downright peachy!

I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it until the day I get swine flu, gasp my last “Oink!” and die, but the one and only thing I want from people in this life, is for each and every every one of you to stop letting other people decide your lives for you. Do your own research, assess your own risks, and then decide what’s worth worrying about, and what isn’t. The media loves a good scare. It sells newspapers and drives up television ratings and share percentages. It escalates CPM and CPP (Cost-Per-Minute / Cost-Per-Point), bringing in the lucrative advertising dollars for products that you’ll run out and buy to protect yourself. Fear is a priceless commodity, and business is booming.

So what can you do to fight the onslaught of pressure to just give in to the manure the fear-peddlers are trying to sell you? Like most answers in life, it’s deceptively simple: stop buying it. Stop letting them influence you, and instead choose to influence yourself by making informed decisions based on your own understanding of your own research.

I think I speak for everyone here when I say, “Huh?”

If that’s simply too hard, then go ahead and let me tell you what to think, just this once. Being terrified of contracting the swine flu is stupid. There’s really no other way to describe it, so I’ll say it again, only this time I hope you feel the capital letters. IT’S STUPID!

If you don’t consider yourself a stupid person, and if you don’t make a habit out of going around, doing stupid things, then please pay very close attention to what I’m about to tell you. If you think you’re in serious danger of becoming infected with the swine flu, then you are – without question or exception – behaving like a stupid person. Please, I love all of you, (mostly), and I don’t want to go around insulting everyone on this nice, blue planet – so I beg you, step back and think about things for a minute, then decide if you really want to go on living in fear, running away from Mexicans and going home to scrub yourself in the shower like a rape victim, while you cry like lost children. It’s not worth it!

I wanna hold your ha-aa-aaand!

Let me hit you with the cold, hard truth. You’re much more likely to star in your own personal True-Life episode of CSI than catch swine flu, as your chances of being murdered this year are considerably more likely than ever being infected with this dreaded virus. Let’s not limit ourselves to murder, though. You’re also far more likely to drown, or to die in an airplane crash or an automobile accident, too. In fact – and I hope this one drives the point home for you, and makes it stick – you’re much, much, much more likely to be killed by a DEADLY ASTEROID than you are by the damnable swine freakin’ flu!

I’ll include a quick rundown of the odds at the end of today’s essay, but I just wanted to try and rub some smelling salts under the collective noses of America, because I find your willingness to eagerly accept every bit of sensationalized and exploitive piece of tabloid trash “journalism” extremely annoying. We’re supposed to be smarter than that. You are supposed to be smarter than that. Start acting like it, dammit!

Lest you think that I place all the blame at the feet of the media, you should be aware that the Internet probably isn’t helping you, either. Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, and just about any message forum is filled with misinformation and panic, and would be best avoided altogether. When unverified information is spastically vomited onto the World Wide Web by the scared and the ignorant, a self-replicating virus of its own emerges to spread fear and ignorance to other forums, other tweets, and other profile pages. Unconfirmed reports transform into verified facts, rumor becomes truth, and hysterics pass as the norm.

Do yourself a favor, and just opt out of participation in these sorts of goings on. Try and inform yourself with sources of vetted information, rather than rampant speculation. For example, terrorists did not invade “Popular Vacation Destination X” and expose thousands of hapless tourists to swine flu, nor can you possibly become infected by eating pork. Stop listening to the media. Stop listening to each other. Stop listening to me! Read for yourself. Think for yourself. Decide for yourself!

Of course, I’m not even going to go into the obvious and unfortunate repercussions this pandemic is going to have for Hispanics. Already, the cries of closing our borders and erecting a Great Wall Of Stupid are being sounded across the nation with increasing volume and vitriol. I’ll never understand this compulsion to blame so much bad on any one race, but it continues to happen, nonetheless.

I look forward to the day when the collective people of the world will wake up, realize that Mexicans gave all of us the absolute goods of Tequila and Quesadillas, and understand that we ought to just be grateful. We should tip our hats, say thank you, and go about our day. (Hopefully, it will be on or around this same day, when the collective people of the world also understand that all Hispanics are not Mexican. Ah, what a dreamer am I!)

That’s All, Folks!

• Car Accident – 1 in 6,500
• Murder – 1 in 16,500
• Drowning – 1 in 88,000
• Deadly Asteroid – 1 in 200,000
• Airplane Crash – 1 in 400,000
• Swine Flu – 1 in 4,747, 260
• Lightning – 1 in 6,200,000
• Lottery – 1 in 47,500,000

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

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Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
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Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
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This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.